4 years later

Mary here again

• On 30th January 2020 you lost your battle and I lost my soulmate. There are no words to describe how much I miss you and what a devastating effect this has had on our family.Your blog was written beautifully but now 4 years later I realise that the focus was on your medical treatments rather than the possibility of death or what would happen when you were gone. I now understand that this was too difficult for you to discuss and that your focus was on trying to live as long as possible. For me this has had awful consequences as we never got the chance to say goodbye even although we knew that you were terminal. The terminal diagnosis led to pain ,despair ,fear and  denial which I now know prevented these conversations from taking place. Your last year still haunts me and I wish that I had insisted on getting professional help from cancer services to try and process what was happening and to try and prepare for losing you. Grief has been overwhelming for me and every day is still a challenge without you. Someone asked me what I miss most about you and my reply was 'everything'.For anyone reading this faced with the same end of life journey I hope you can be strong enough to have the conversations that may help your loved ones prepare for adapting to a life without you by their side. Sending love to all of you xx